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Hey Internet, it’s been a while. I’ve been over-encumbered with so many possible choices of shitty humans to evaluate that I’ve been on forced hiatus. The world has changed a lot since 2015, and humans have only gotten worse. I’m so fed up that I’m constantly sweating with rage. Side note: in the two years since my last update, I’ve received weekly telemarketing calls offering me business loans for Humans are the Worst. Yep, a business called Humans are the Worst was vetted and considered a viable organization to lend money to. I even fuck with the callers letting them know I am looking for a loan to build an orbital death ray that will annihilate the Earth. Nothing stops these idiots.

Moving on. Let’s bring up a classic topic that I’ve already covered because it’s back in the limelight – Gun Culture Enthusiasts are the dumbest fucks.

Since I last posted, there have been over 750 mass shootings in the US. Apparently, humans fucking love picking out and murdering other humans in a crowd. If life were an RPG and humans were a race you could choose, one of the perks of choosing a human would be +5 at ranged damage to other humans. Humans are basically lemmings but lemmings don’t actually commit mass suicide; it’s just a wives’ tale. Humans, on the other hand, get boners for firing weapons of war at civilians while other humans defend their actions with memes.

The most recent (at the time of writing this sentence – by the time I get another paragraph in there may be a few more) mass shooting was at a high school in Parkland, Florida. The shooting lead to the death of 17 people, mostly children…

Oh hi. I came back to this article a week later and there have been several more school shootings since. I decided to use this as commentary at the expense of my own inability to sit down and write a full article in a single sitting.

Since we’re talking about current events, it’s also worth bringing up that this past weekend was the March For Our Lives Rally, a student-led demonstration to stop other school children from being killed. That’s it. Their mission is to end school shootings. I don’t think schools should be shot up. No rational, half-brained human thinks that schools should be shot up, right? Apparently, I’m wrong, because some idiots had a problem with it:

Please save the guns our dicks are too small

Did a baby help you with your banner? How long did it take you to scrawl that out in Sharpie? Idiots can’t even justify your text properly, why should you have a firearm?

The purpose of the March For Our Lives Rally wasn’t to take away guns. It was to advocate better background checks and policies to prevent guns from falling into the hands of criminals who intend to shoot up schools. Unfortunately, gun owners have nothing better to do on a weekend and decided to rally against children not wanting to be murdered.

If I finished this damn article when I first started it, I wouldn’t have had to mention that, but you dipshits just keep making my job easier.

Gun Culture Enthusiasts are Insufferable Crybaby Garbage People

Let me first state that I don’t think gun owners are insufferable crybaby garbage people. Police officers need to have guns. Secret agents need to have guns. Bounty Hunters need to have guns. They aren’t always bad people. If you have a gun for your line of work, or for protection, or even for hunting, you aren’t necessarily in this list. Nobody is claiming that you are guilty of firing your gun into a crowd. In fact, as far as I know, the only thing you are guilty of is making people feel uncomfortable around you. Honestly, you would probably do that without a firearm so that is a moot point. If you own a gun and you’ve been able to keep your fat mouth shut about the second amendment during the recent school shootings, you are probably not a Gun Culture Enthusiast, and thus, you probably aren’t a worthless piece of shit. Just so I don’t hurt any feelings, let’s define what a Gun Culture Enthusiast is:

Gun Culture Enthusiast /ˈdipˌSHit/ noun 1. a person who believes owning a gun is a God-given right and thinks that adding more guns to any problem will provide a solution. 2. an incel who claims to be a patriot, who has less-than average-sized genitals who doesn’t want the one thing that makes them feel powerful (guns) to be taken away.

These idiots are all over social media reminding the world about the second amendment, sharing stupid memes, and trying to be clever with the same boring, tired arguments. Let’s take a look at some of the bullshit arguments these morons have:

Criminals Don’t Follow Laws, Including Gun Laws LOL

Holy shit, Hercule Poirot, what’s next on your list? Are you going to figure out cold-fusion? This is one of the drollest, uneducated ideas anyone can squirt out on social media to look like a thinker among their stupid friends. You aren’t wrong, but you aren’t clever. True, if someone fires a weapon into a classroom, they are breaking the law, so why would they follow all of the laws to acquire the gun they use for their crime? Shit, Socrates, you are so deep.

Actually, enforcing better gun restrictions makes a huge difference and prohibits the ease of a potential criminal from getting a gun. In order to get a gun in Japan, you need to attend an all-day class, take a written exam, and pass a shooting-range test with a score of 95% or higher. Your criminal record is checked, and the police even look into your relatives and work colleagues. Then there are mental health and drug tests. Every three years, you need to get retested to make sure you are still responsible enough to continue owning your weapon. Police are required to know where you store the gun and ammunition, and the two can’t be stored in the same place. Both need to be locked. In 2014, there were six gun deaths in Japan, where the US had 33,599. Gun laws work.

But My Rights!

Fuck your goddamn rights, you pansy-ass. limp-dicked patriot. First, let’s talk about the Bill of Rights.

The Bill of Rights doesn’t come from nature, or from some higher being. It was made by a bunch of our powdered-wig-wearing ancestors who all had carbuncle and syphilis anywhere skin touched skin. If your parents happened to fuck, conceive, and give birth to you somewhere within the borders of the United States of America, you are born with a list of rights that you didn’t agree to. You sure as fuck can misinterpret it though, so let’s go ahead and watch you take an armchair approach at legislature.

Here’s what the second amendment says:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Washington says I can own a gun!

The founding fathers wanted to prevent the government from corruption, so they wanted to empower states to form their own organized militias. This meant allowing civilians in those militias to have guns to defend their liberties. This was over 200 years ago when guns were muskets. Today, if a small, state-organized militia were to take on the United States Army, they would be hardpressed to survive tactical drone strikes, long-range missiles, and the tactical intelligence of the most well-funded army on the planet. Still, even if we take the Gun Culture Enthusiast’s wet dream of being able to bunker down with an array of different firearms to defend their family from the government for whatever reason to heart, this still has zero relevance to why we can’t make it harder to purchase and own a gun. If you are part of the local militia, pass your tests and qualify to own a gun and shut the fuck up. Nobody is trying to stop the second amendment.

Oh, wait, apparently the amendment wasn’t clear enough to a bunch of bozos. It has been fought over and reinterpreted as “you can’t take my guns away, I need to shoot things.”

That’s fine, the point of the constitution is to make changes that best fit the nation. However, making it harder to get guns, or enforcing policies that prevent deranged psychopaths from gunning down children isn’t infringing upon your right. If you are worried that you won’t be able to get a gun because you want to shoot up a kindergarten class, you have every reason to complain. If you just like having guns and are afraid that taking a written exam is going to inconvenience you, grow some nuts, crybaby.

But George Washington Said We Need Guns!

I’ve seen this garbage get shared on Facebook quite a bit.

George Washington on Gun Control

One thing Gun Culture Enthusiasts love is being manipulated. They love sharing fake news around. They get together and sit around in a big circle and read this shit while jerking each other off. These are the same idiots who were manipulated by Russian ads to vote for Donald Trump. They hate being fact-checked or corrected too, so let’s do just that.

George Washington didn’t say anything about arming people to protect them from their own government. George Washington was one hell of a military leader and the first few words of the above quote are accurate. The rest is a fabrication. Here’s what he actually said:

To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace.

A free people ought not only to be armed but disciplined; to which end a Uniform and well digested plan is requisite: And their safety and interest require that they should promote such manufactories, as tend to render them independent on others, for essential, particularly for military supplies.

The proper establishment of the Troops which may be deemed indispensible, will be entitled to mature consideration. In the arrangements which may be made respecting it, it will be of importance to conciliate the comfortable support of the Officers and Soldiers with a due regard to economy.

Washington wanted to stress that it was important for the nation to allocate money and resources to be self-sufficient when it comes to being prepared for war. Nice job being fooled, dumbasses.

On the topic of being fooled, let’s talk about the NRA. The NRA’s singular job is to manufacture Gun Culture Enthusiasts. They use clever marketing to justify the ideology of a Gun Culture Enthusiast. They tell you that you aren’t a real man until you own and fire a gun. They warn you that any day now, you’ll need to be ready to fight against “the man” who will come and take your gun away. This is no different than cereal commercials using glue as milk to make cereal appear crunchy. Gun Culture Enthusiasts are bigger suckers than children when it comes to this shit.

Hitler Took Away Guns!

Actually, Hitler loosened up Germany’s gun laws as he rose to power. He did restrict Jews from having guns. Is that what you are referring to? Oh wait, you haven’t cracked open a history book or fact-checked the garbage that you share with your idiot friends. This is why we can’t have nice things, and why you shouldn’t be allowed to own a gun.

Obviously, We Should Arm Teachers

Honestly, I never thought anyone was stupid enough to think this was a good idea. My third-grade teacher was a decrepit 759-year-old woman with bifocals named Ms. Babcock. If you think that giving her a gun would do anything other than add more casualties to a shootout, you are as stupid as your Facebook feed makes you seem. Most mass shooters end up taking their own lives. They don’t care about what happens to them – they want the fame, they want the vengeance, they want to cause chaos. Knowing that they might get shot won’t stop them from doing the best they can to accomplish their fucked up goals. Stop making this argument, and please, don’t let Ms. Babcock have a gun. I think she’s still teaching third-graders.

You Don’t Ban Cars, and Other Strawman Arguments

Gun Culture Enthusiasts love making comparisons to gun control laws with other things that are not related.

“Teens kill a lot by texting and driving but we don’t ban that!” except we do in most states. Seeing a pattern here? That’s because the only thing a Gun Culture Enthusiast can equip themselves with a debate is the strawman arguments.

“Abortions kill 70 kajillion people! Don’t talk about guns until you ban abortions, libtard!” Yeah buddy, and everytime you jerk off to NRATV you kill 100 million imbecile potential babies. Maybe every abortion prevents another dipshit alt-right dullard from slowing down civilization.