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Whenever there’s a violent tragedy in the United States, it fires up a debate about guns. One side attempts to hold the theoretical argument that if there weren’t guns, there would be no gun-related crimes (which when you do the math, this is entirely accurate). Gun culture enthusiasts wag their fingers and say “nay nay,” and try to convince their Internet friends that it’s okay to bring a loaded AK47 into a Chuck E. Cheese for sport/protection.

There was another massacre last week (the 45th this year) that left nine people and the gunman dead. This has brought these crybaby gun culture enthusiast assholes out of the woodwork to defend the thing that they like. I’ve seen scores of idiots share anti-Obama, anti-government, pro-gun videos and statements the past week. Besides being annoying dipshits, these people are actually making the situation worse.

In America, there’s a huge gun culture. Whether it be for sport, like hunting and firing ranges, or for rednecks to hang above their living room TV to make guests feel uncomfortable, there are a lot of guns in America. There are about 9 guns for every 10 Americans. Not everybody has a gun (or guns), and the number of gun owners has declined over the past 30 years, so on average a gun owner owns seven guns.

Let’s face it, some of us Americans lose our shit over how much we love guns. It makes us feel powerful. America’s collective dick gets rock hard knowing we can end someone’s existence without even getting out of our SUV. Gun culture enthusiasts can’t shut up about how wet guns make them. According to these douche waffles, guns are an integral part of life, a fundamental right, and necessary for keeping your family safe. These people are very similar to vegans in the way that vegans don’t shut up about being vegan. You’ll know if someone is a gun culture enthusiast within a few minutes of meeting them because they will tell you. It’s usually one of the only attributes these dullards can append to their identity.

Over the past couple years, there have been talks (and even a marginal amount of action) on tighter gun laws and regulations, in which the average gun culture slacktivist interprets as “taking our guns away.” These whiny man-babies loosely cite the Second Amendment of the Constitution, claiming it is our god-given right as ‘Mericans to be able to shoot those who make us scared, and that the gobberment can’t take our guns away because we should be able to shoot those who we don’t like. Lord Jesus bless ‘Merica.

Wrong, Asshole

The Second Amendment was actually written so citizens could form a militia to defend the state; not for the self-defense of the individual or even for hunting. It’s also worth noting that the Constitution and Bill of Rights were written for a totally different world, and while yes, they are still generally a pretty good basis to live by, modern America now has modern conveniences like, oh, police and the national guard. We’re not living under common law where we might need to defend our assumed freedoms. I think we need to abolish this whole idea because our defense shouldn’t depend on gun culture enthusiasts. The average person doesn’t have the training or the mental capacity to make that kind of snap decision. Even someone who is trained to quickly come to a consensus on whether or not to shoot another person can make the wrong call. Let’s ensure we keep that power out of the hands of asshats.

Also, never once has Obama and his crew invaded a home to commandeer your firearms. Your claims are bullshit. In other words, shut up, nobody is taking your guns.

Ridiculously enough, a Maryland sheriff was so paranoid that Obama was going to take his guns away that he threatened all-out civil war if it were to happen. I guess that’s fair, having everyone with a gun who loves their gun go up against those who don’t have guns in war. That’s a fucked up kind of bullying.

But Somebody Should Take YOUR Guns

I think anyone who makes a big stink over gun regulations or claims that Obama wants to take your guns away shouldn’t be trusted with firearms of any kind. You fall into the same category of those who think abortions are an act against god, or people who take shits in urinals. With your kind of judgment and knowledge of the world around you, you don’t deserve to play with something that can kill a human who may have been gifted with a higher capacity of thought than you.

Also, if the reason you own guns are to protect yourself, your family, and to eagerly jump into action and play hero next time someone tries to leave your favorite diner without paying, two things:

  1. Calm down Steve Rogers, you might have noble intentions but we don’t need you making big life-altering decisions for other people.
  2. Equip yourself with a non-lethal device like a taser, or better yet, dedicate yourself to martial arts. You’ll learn discipline and the babes will think it’s sexy.

But Bowerick, Guns Don’t Kill People

Uh huh. That’s the official slogan of gun culture enthusiasts set in front of a backdrop of a waving American Flag and a bald eagle watching a football game eating a Big Mac. We get it dipshit, a gun sitting in someone’s locked gun closet is not hurting anybody. Shooting skeet or game hunting isn’t a problem either in most cases. It’s a problem with humans. When you give a human something they don’t have the mental capacities to responsibly handle (or they just flat-out want to shoot up a movie theater), you have an issue. No, guns don’t kill people, but they are used to kill pretty often, and that’s why we’re talking about it.

And please, for fuck’s sake, I’m begging you to stop using the pseudo-argument that spoons don’t make fat people fat. You aren’t clever. If I have to hear someone chortle this so-called riposte into their bag of pork rinds ever again, I’m going to hurl myself into oncoming traffic.

But Bowerick, Drugs Are Illegal But Criminals Still Do Drugs

Come on, moron! Yes, making it harder to get guns legally won’t magically solve our problem. There will still be weapons out in the wild that we simply can’t control, especially with you loud, obnoxious dipshits fighting to protect your “rights.” However, other countries have taken action to drastically decrease gun-related violence with great success. Australia introduced extremely strict gun regulations, and it drastically reduced gun-related crimes while still allowing gun collectors, hobbyists, and hunters the ability to keep doing what they like. America can’t get anything moving because of these big fat gun culture enthusiasts.

But Bowerick, There Wouldn’t Be Gun Crimes If We All Had Guns

I am so sick of hearing this tired, dullard argument. Yeah stupid, let’s give everybody a gun. Happy birthday Jimmy, since you are 16, here’s a rifle to defend yourself from the people you don’t like. These idiots think guns belong in elementary schools, at the movie theater, on the beach, out at the bar, in the office, and in the hands of everybody who likes guns. Sure, if someone in that theater in Aurora, Colorado stood up and shot James Holmes dead after he sprayed the audience with a few bullets, there would be, well, possibly fewer dead people. Maybe. But you still didn’t prevent gun violence and you didn’t save everybody. Most gun-related deaths are suicide, and many gun massacres end with the gunner ending their own life. If an asshole has nothing to lose, you think packing heat is going to change their mind?

This also brings us back to my argument; you aren’t smart enough to make that distinction. You aren’t thoroughly trained, you just know how to shoot a gun. You aren’t equipped with the experience to decide who lives or dies. If you are super concerned about your safety and the safety of your loved ones, use something that is non-lethal.

The NRA Is a Greedy, Sweaty Whore

The National Rifle Association cock blocks laws and regulations from getting passed involving weapons. These dickbags lobby and intimidate politicians while waving pro-American banners. The NRA doesn’t give a shit about protecting innocent people from gun-related crimes, they just want to promote and sustain gun sales. They peddle shit about Obama stealing guns while you sleep and how ‘Merican’s are pussies if they don’t go out and shoot bad people. If you only feel safe if you can bring your gun to Baskin Robins, YOU are the pussy.

In the end it’s all about money, and like any collection of humans, they will sacrifice anything to have thicker wallets. Fuck off, NRA.

In Conclusion

It’s okay to own guns as long as you aren’t a fucking idiot. It’s okay to keep them secure and in your home. It’s not okay to be an annoying piece of shit and share tired bullshit about how your rights are being taken away. Nobody gives a flying fuck how much you tickle your pickle over firearms. We get it, you have nothing of any substance going on in your life that matters more than your ability to shoot holes in things. Shut up and go fuck yourself.

If you are a responsible gun owner, collector, hunter, or your occupation provides the essential training required to arm yourself, you are okay as long as you aren’t a dipshit. For everyone else, you are the worst humans.